So it’s almost 4am as i write this. I’m up late doin a thing for Tesco. But Tesco is not what i wanna talk about.
No. Its smoking.
Back in May I quit smoking. Cold Turkey! No patches gum inhilators or any aides what so ever. I just went for it with sheer will power! It was really tough. There had been times when i really really wanted to have a smoke but I resisted the urge time and time again but I never gave in. The attitude i took was: i was not a smoker giving up but i was no longer a smoker! FULL STOP!!!! This was key. I had to convince myself of this otherwise I would have crumbled.
A couple of years ago i almost quit. I lasted about 2 months before one day i had a really crappie day. I was stressed out, angry and work was really tough and i cracked. This time round has had many similar days. Still I have resisted. There were a few other things i did this time round that were diffrent to the last time.
Firstly I am now living in a non smoking house. For the forst couple of months here i still smoked but it meant going outside for one eachtime so it resulted in me cutting down severly before the plundge. I had been a chain smoker in my old place, smoking while working at my desk. I probably smoked about 30 a day. A non smoking home helped.
Second I got rid of almost all my smoking paraphernalia. cigarettes, lighters, matchbooks, ashtrays, rolling papers – the lot.
Thirdly (this is why i said “almost” in the second point) I kept one cigarette as a temptation. Knowing it was there, knowing that i could have that ciggie if i wanted it was a real challenge but it was a battle of will that was made harder but more thorough as a result.
While waiting for a render to finish i decided to smoke that last ciggie. Now I must stress that I had no urdge or craving. I was not feeling stressed or down or sad. There was no motivation behind it driven by a desire to smoke. I wanted to see if it brought back any cravings or too see if i would enjoy it like i remembered it. There was a part of me that was quite wary of doing this – fearful that it would take me back undoing all the work id put in to no smoking -it didnt.
For the life of me i really dont know what i liked about smoking. It was disgusting! It was really really awful. I couldnt finish the thing. When i finished it i went straight to the bathroom to brush my teeth, use a loadf of mouth wash and get the smell off my fingers and face. Even now I can still smell slight remenants of it. It really was disgusting. The tase was nasty. How could i have ever enjoyed it like i had done in the past. This exercise has helped me realise that i never ever want to smoke ever again.
Besides – I can now run down the street without wanting to cough up a lung!
Let me leave you with this:
So over the past two days i’ve been finding a shed load of old school friends on Facebook! I havent seen alot of these guys in 10 years! Its so cool to hear from them again.
I got a free 19″ monitor today from freecycle! How cool is the web!
Here i sit on the couch of my lovely woman contemplating life and i keep asking myself – where is my career going? What is it doing? Where do I want it to go? What would i like to do? What am I suited for! Yes some full on shizzle be goin on in me noggin! Time to get ma think on!
I see that being proud about my carreer has gottenm me no-where so i must submit to the fact that my job is not working out for me. It must change! If i am to go on with my life and truly leave the nastiness that was the past few years behind i must sort my job out. I jus aint found it yet!
So i have not been posting alot. In fact i have not being doing much of anything on this as of late. The last 6-8 weeks have been pretty full on. Ive been a busy boy and as usual a broke boy.
Stuff i been thinking of:
Do i change it or seriously look at how to fix my career one last time. While i love the work i do its not good being broke all the time.
If i change it what would i do? What are my skills? what do i like? what would i like to do? what would it be like workin for someone else?
I have not seen some of my friends in a stupidly loooong time!!!! Missing them now lots – i will arrange summat.
This weekend is gonna be full on especially driving Angies car to glasgow!
I can run! no really – since giving up smoking i no longer cough up a lung when i run.